Letters From The Loft

THE THORNTON INSTITUTE CHRISTMAS WHITE PAPER 2010
Random Acts of Christmas

I've been asked to give you an idea of how a typical Christmas goes down here at the Thornton household. No matter how you approach the word "typical" here, I'm not sure this is a topic that warrants examination... judging by the traffic on the website, America's not exactly clamoring to see what trends we're setting, and I doubt if we qualify as the "typical" American family.

Still, it's not my money, so here's sort of how the Thornton Christmas season unfolds. I don't anticipate offers for an animated Christmas special or a Lifetime movie.

Traditionally, the Christmas tree goes up the day after Thanksgiving. Why? I don't know. Here's some possible reasons:
- It's the traditional start of the Christmas season (at least that's what the every commercial is telling us).
- We have the day off, so it's a good opportunity to drag all the stuff out without feeling like it's digging into your weekend. Meal preparation doesn't interfere, since we've got leftovers lined up for the next few days anyway.
-Because we can... we have an artificial tree, so we can put that puppy up anytime we want. In fact, we could leave it up all year round if we wanted to, and don't think that hasn't been suggested.

Our son Sam likes the looks of a Christmas tree, so he's usually the one that pushes for a prompt post-Thanksgiving tree assembly. In fact, this year he achieved a new personal best in whining, and we actually put the tree up about a week before Christmas. We got all our friends and family to agree to consider it eccentric rather than flat-out crazy. And it was fun when a UPS deliveryman showed up at the door that first week, saw the tree, and thought he was having one of those dreams like where you find yourself in school and there's a final you didn't know about. He even looked down to make sure he had his pants on.

Once the tree is up, Sam also starts campaigning for decorations on the house, but he never wins that battle. Every Christmas, our neighborhood looks like downtown Vegas... except for the black hole that is the Thornton manor. I've got no principled objection against lighting up my house. I'm just not handy when it comes to things like that, and I doubt if drivers-by admiring the neighborhood decorations would like the aesthetic broken by the sight of my corpse tangled in light strings and hanging from the eaves. I've told Sam that he has my blessing to take the initiative and use our house as his Christmas canvas, but he says that the point is doing it together. He's probably right, but I'd rather the father-son project be something that has a greater chance of a successful outcome... something like seeing how many Christmas cookies we can fit in our mouth at one time.

The main challenge of every Christmas is the gifts.

I like giving gifts, but I'm not that great at coming up with gift ideas. Consequently, throughout the year, as gifting opportunities come to my attention, I'll take advantage of them. For instance, one year my son Ben's computer started doing crazy things and had to be put down (never name a computer "Old Yeller"). So I told him I'd spring for a new one as a gift. Likewise, there was a summer where Sam had an opportunity to go to New York to participate in a show there, so I told him I'd make a gift of the hotel and airfare.

I don't do this kind of thing because I'm generous... I do it because I'm lazy. It's an easy way to give a gift that I know the recipient actually wants and will use. And, more importantly, I want it to be credited for Christmas.  When Christmas rolls around, and my wife Sue says, "What are we going to get the boys for Christmas?" rather than racking our brains, I just want to wrap up little boxes containing a note that says, "Remember those tires you needed back in March? Merry Christmas."

So far this strategy hasn't worked. For some reason, Sue doesn't see retroactive gift-giving as a shining example of holiday spirit. So, especially where my sons are concerned, it's tough coming up with something to give them for Christmas... they've outgrown all the toys and stuff that I still want to play with. I'm having to resort to sneaking into their rooms and breaking something of theirs so I can replace it as a gift.

It's just as difficult a situation for them... I'm a hard guy to shop for. I have this irritating habit of buying something I like when I see it, and keeping pretty current on the manufacture and release of everything I like. It's forced my sons to resort to the stuff they think is lame, and which I think is the best: a part of themselves. Ben comes up with art; Sam promises to watch movies with me. Time and talent are sometimes tough to wrap and stick under a tree, but hey, that's their problem. I always receive better than I give.

It's a different story when it comes to exchanging gifts with my wife. We always agree to not exchange gifts, and then we always break that agreement. Sue gets me something nice, and I usually wrap up some T-shirts with a licensed movie, television, or cartoon character emblazoned on the front. It keeps Sam and Ben from thinking that Sue and I are only staying together for them.

Actually, it's a Christmas tradition for something major to go wrong with the house or car every year around December, and Sue and I usually agree to chalk up the repairs as a Christmas gift. One year it was copper re-piping for the house; another year it was repairing the fireplace. This year (and also back in 2001) it was a new water heater. Everybody talks about how important Home is to the holidays... we put our money where our mouth is. That's the kind of sentimental folks we are.

I have a few personal Christmas traditions. For instance, every year at Christmas, I go to the local See's Candy outlet. My purpose is to pick up some of their lollypops to have around the house and to bring to households that we visit. Unfortunately, See's has a policy of giving a free sample to every customer, so I usually end up buying a couple of pounds of chocolate that I generously dole out to myself during the holidays. It's tough on the See's personnel... I don't like buying the pre-packaged mixed chocolates and then playing that game of trying to find the one that's solid chocolate, so I just order a box full of those solid chocolates, and the See's clerk has to hand-pack those, so between the bags of lollypops and the custom box of chocolates, I'm a labor-intensive customer for the See's people. I have to hand it to them, though... they do their best to remain cheerful when I tell them I'm getting the box of chocolates for myself, but I still want it gift-wrapped.

Also every year, our family will try to get out and tour the neighborhoods with the most impressive Christmas decorations. It probably seems funny that we want to go out and see what other people do with lots of money, an insane amount of time, and an appreciation of wattage as art, considering the fact that we do nothing with our own house.  But it's really not that out of line. After all, is it wrong that I enjoy watching Jackie Chan movies without learning and practicing Kung-Fu clownery myself?

Since Sue's folks have moved back here to California from Florida, the number of family-Christmas-light-viewing participants has increased from four to six, which is just a little bit more than any of our vehicles can carry. So we have to go in two cars, with Sam and Ben tailing our Camry as we tour the neighborhoods. Cell phones are okay, but I'm thinking about springing for CBs this year, so we can still share the experience.
"Breaker one-nine, this is LookyLoo One, check out that house on the left with the green lights. Over."
"Roger that, LookyLoo, but don't miss the Nativity Scene on the roof to your right. Over"
"Ooooooo. Over."

Sometime the week before Christmas, we always go over to my friend Ken's house for a Christmas celebration. We have a great time because Ken is my oldest friend that still talks to me. Also the dinner's tax-deductible because I also work for Ken. Getting together with friends and family is always special at Christmas, but there's an added glow when you feel like you're getting away with something.

We usually spend Christmas Day with Sue's brother and his family down in Orange County, and that's become even more special now that Sue's folks can be there. My two nieces and my nephew are also there, so I get to reinforce my reputation as the crazy old uncle.  Unfortunately, Ben had to break it to me that I'm not the fun crazy old uncle; I'm the scary crazy old uncle. I'm thinking I better bring more lollypops this year.

When we get back home that evening, there's another annual Christmas tree controversy, only this time in reverse. Sue would like to tear down the tree as soon as possible; Sam would like to leave it up for another month or so. A compromise is usually reached... Sue agrees to wait until the first time Sam leaves the house following Christmas, then quickly tears it down before he can get back; and Sam agrees to be totally surprised and crestfallen when he returns.

And that's pretty much our typical Christmas. I won't go into how we celebrate the New Year, because frankly, I can't remember the last time we were able to keep our eyes open to see in the New Year. We've got Martinelli's Sparkling Cider that's actually fermented to real wine while waiting for us to pop the cork at midnight.

All in all, I've made it a policy not to count my blessings at Christmas... if I did, Christmas time would be over before I finished. So I try to focus on just one: the birth of Jesus Christ my savior. Granted, I'm easily distracted, but it helps that the word Christmas can be used as a mnemonic device.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

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