We'd been pretty subdued before that paddle-ball scene, concentrating on getting our heads tilted just right to get the full effect of the 3D. But when that ball shot out into the audience, we went nuts. Arms went up, popcorn went flying... some kids who had brought their baseball mitts dove for the ball. It was magical, in a chaotic sort of way. We couldn't have been more surprised than if Howdy Doody had shrugged off his strings and took a stroll through the Peanut Gallery.
Of course, attention spans being what they are among that demographic, the novelty soon wore off, and before the movie was over, the audience was pretty much at each other's throats again. I'm sure not many surviving members of that audience could tell you that Vincent Price starred in that movie, or that it was one of the first screen appearances of Charles Bronson (billed as Charles Buchinsky). But they can tell you that it featured that guy with the paddle-ball. As far as we're concerned, Reggie Rymal was the star of that picture. After seeing House Of Wax, I wasted many hours and went through ten pounds of rubber bands trying to master the paddle ball in the hopes that one day, I could cause 3D movie audiences to scatter.
The differences between then and now are pronounced, and they start at the box office. It turns out that the 3rd dimension is similar to extra servings of dipping sauce at McDonalds or tolerable internet bandwith... it costs extra. I'm thinking that the only reason people in the movies haven't jumped out of the screen and joined us here in the real world is the increased cost of living with a 3rd dimension (well, that and the fact that most of us here in the real world aren't as pretty). The times we've attended 3D movies, it's clear that many of our fellow movie-goers weren't prepared for the bump in ticket price. As we stood in line at the box office for Clash Of The Titans, we could see the ticket takers break the news to each successive customer, then wince as if they expected to be beaten severely about the head and shoulders if it weren't for that Plexiglas that makes everything they say unintelligible. So standing in line to get your tickets takes a little longer than it used to, as each transaction becomes a negotiation ("well, how much is it if we don't use the glasses?").
The glasses themselves are a lot more sophisticated. No more cardboard... they're now made out of molded plastic that fit your face just like a foot in a glove. And no more cellophane red and blue lenses. Whatever the technology is that now scrambles your brain into seeing 3D, it uses some sort of light polarized smoked lenses like the kind seen on sunglasses whose only practical purpose is to make you look cool. I've read where some of the 3D projection systems utilize glasses that actually require a tiny button-battery power source to make them work. In spite of official denials, I'm still suspicious that the glasses work by drilling into your brain when you put them on. (I'm okay with that, though... it's seems a reasonable trade-off for 3D.)
Most importantly though, the glasses still make the entire audience look equally dopey as they watch the movie.
I guess I should say something about the actual movie. Which one was it? Oh yeah, Clash Of The Titans...
We were disappointed. We weren't really expecting a masterpiece. The movie is a rough remake of the 1981 movie that featured Ray Harryhausen's impressive stop-motion animation, and is based loosely on the Greek myth of Perseus. Both movies are really just excuses for the audience to have fun watching a bunch of guys in sandals and skirts fighting a bunch of exotic creatures created through cinematic special effects. And both movies work on that level. My son Sam would inexplicably collapse into paroxysms of laughter every time he saw a commercial for the movie that showed Liam Neeson gravely issuing the command, "Release the Kraken," and he wanted to go to the movie based on that scene alone.
No, we were disappointed because it just didn't seem like a 3D movie. All those pointy objects up there on the screen and I can't recall one of them being jabbed at the audience. It was the most 2-dimensional 3D movie I've ever seen. I'm told that this is one of those movies that wasn't shot as a 3D movie, but was converted to one after the fact (something present technology allows that wasn't possible back in the old days), so perhaps I'm being unfair. But I've seen other movies that I'm told were 3D afterthoughts, and even they had the occasional "get-out-of-my-popcorn" moment. Clash Of The Titans seemed more like an animated diorama, with different layers moving horizontally across the screen rather than spilling out into our laps.
Maybe the battery in my glasses was low, and there wasn't enough power to drill deep enough into my admittedly thick skull. All I know is that I think I would have enjoyed the movie more if I had watched it in 2D with no expectation of a Kraken chasing me around the auditorium.
Where's Reggie Rymal and his paddle-ball when you need him?
All material copyright 2009 Chuck Thornton